(moderated) SFP - Muse Me

Ok kiddies, it's Friday time for SPF. Since I forgot to take my own pics (with my camera phone) I moderated my entry with some pics off the computer so here it is....

SOMETHING THAT INSPIRES ME:

My little one. She makes me want to be a better person. She inspires me to make this world better; to make OUR world better for the two of us.

SOMETHING I DON'T LIKE TO READ ABOUT ON BLOGS:

I can't stand when people only blog about sex and porn. OK, I heart a good, hair pulling, session just as much as the next girl, but when you present yourself as a pig then you just need to wash your hands and move on to the next topic.

SOMETHING THAT INSPIRES ME TO WRITE MY BLOG:

I'm determined to break down this wall I feel stuck behind. I have found relief in venting my feelings here, and feel blessed at the kind people that send words of encouragement to me. It helps to know I'm not crazy about some things, and it's always nice to have someone listen without judgement.

Did you play?

OBTW...SC-The cut and paste thing worked wonderfully! Thanks again ;)

Just need to vent...

HEALTH INSURANCE SUCKS ASS!!!!!!!!

(Deep breath).....hold on still breathing.....(ANOTHER Deep breath)

Ok, so long story short my health insurance SUCKS BIG DONKY BA**S. Long ago they put a full reproductive rider on me for ONE DUMB PROBLEM/PROCEDURE that happened like 4YEARS before I applied and like ten zillion women deal with (cervical dysplasia). So, needless to say, all this female crap I've been dealing with lately has been putting me deeper and deeper in the hole. Ok, no problem, as long as you pay them a little every month they can't do anything, so whatever.

I saw the specialist this morning and (again long story short) I have to have an MRI on the 10th. Oh how fun (getting my shovel to start digging deeper) cause we all know it won't be covered 'cause it's female problem related. My friend, from a couple posts ago, told me about this CareCredit card you can get to help cover costs that insurance doesn't cover. Awesome. Called them today, and you can only use it with participating providers. Guess what? NONE of the doctors/hospitals I'm working with take it.

AAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! (Pitty party table for one)

Sorry guys! Just feel like socking someone in the face right now. Maybe I should tell Kristine (Random and Odd) we need to go into the hookin' business. She needs to pay off an outragous cell bill and I need to pay my medical bills. Bet I'd get more loot if my boobs were bigger. Damn.

Hugs and kisses

I've been summoned...

Ok, Superchick got tagged with a triple themed quiz and I've been advised to comply with the demand to take the quiz myself. Truth, I love doing stuff like this so here we go...

3 names you go by:
Hyman
Mommy
Babe

3 screen names you've had; including the current one you use: (um I only have two)
Hyman
Jamie

3 things you like about yourself:
I'm fun
I'm a smartass
I'm a good mom

3 things you hate/dislike about yourself:
my (almost) nonexhistant breasts
I don't stick up for myself like I should
my (almost) nonexhistant breasts (LOL)

3 parts of your heritage:
Irish
Scottish
German

3 things that scare you:
Crowds
being put to sleep for surgery
carnies (small hands, smell like cabbage)

3 of your everyday essentials:
my cell phone
my coffee
my flip flops (when its warm)

3 things your wearing right now:
Tan pants
White shirt
black socks

3 of your favoriate bands:
Def Leppard
Ratt
Sting

3 new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
to find a new job
to stand on my own two feet
to be happy

3 things you want in a relationship:
trust
kindness
honesty

2 lies and one truth:
I love my job
my daughter is my world
I've never been married

3 of your favoriate hobbies:
Scrapbooking
decorating
reading

3 bloggers you want to party with:
Superchick79
Kristine (Random and Odd)
SoozieQ

3 things you just can't do:
Swim
climb a mountain
drink like I used to

3 things you want to do really bad right now:
go home
go home
go home

3 careers your concidering:
nursing
hairdresser
stripper (after I get some boobs) LOL

3 places you want to go on vacation:
Vermont
Bahamas
Ireland

3 true loves:
my daughter
my mom
my dogs

3 favoriate animals:
tigers
yorkies
leopards

3 reasons why your doing this:
'cause Superchick said so
'cause it sounded fun
'cause I don't feel like working anymore

3 people who must take this quiz:
Soozieq
JuJuBee
KimmyK

Yeah...rock on in three's baby!!!!!

This is a test.....of the picture posting mystery

Ok, so after my good blogger friend Superchick79 came to the rescue I think I now can post pictures. ))HUGS SUPERCHICK((

I just took the above picture as kind of a "test" if you will, but damn if this works I'll be peaches all day long. I HEART the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. This is my favoriate outside decoration...why?....cause I'm a dork like that. I have the movie, I watch it every year...by myself...why....cause my little one thinks I'm a dork like that and she doensn't seem to heart it like mom does. Oh well.

Once I finish outside, and if this works, I'll post more pictures later.

Thanks again Superchick79....you're my hero ;)

It's official...Halloween has hit my house

I started decorating for Halloween yesterday. I just couldn't wait. I got the outside pretty much all done. I just need a thingy of straw/hay for under the kitchen window, some mums, and pumpkins. Then outside will be all spooked out. I pulled out everything for inside, but I'm a freak and have to clean everything before I put all the stuff it's place.

I woke up at, like, 3:15 this morning (my little one gave me her cold) and couldn't fall back asleep for two hours. Anyways, while I'm flipping the channels I started thinking about how I could post pictures on my site. Then it came to me...what if I took a picture with my camera phone, emailed it to myself, but then how do I get it onto my site? Cut and paste? Insert? I need some help with this one kiddies.....

I would love to show you my outside once it's all done, so fellow bloggers please help an eliterate picture poster person out.

Hugs and kisses

Thank God I'm not crazy!

So after work yesterday I went (back) over to the Harley dealer to order some more parts for our broken bike. Everyone there is SO AWESOME!! They all know you by name, say hello whenever you come in, and always scold you if you haven't been there in awhile. Needless to say EVERYONE knows us 'cause the man and/or I am in there like all the time and (he) spends like a gozillion dollars in there on top of it.

Anyways, I got to talking to one of the girls there and it just so happens that she just finished going theu the EXACT SAME shit (female problems) that I'm going thru. Lupron shots and all. Well her and I were standing there yapping for about an HOUR about our experiences, feeling, frustrations, doctors, medicine, and all that stuff. In the end we both had tears in our eyes, hugged, and were glad that we (both) aren't crazy. She said that if the specialist I'm seeing on Thursday doesn't work out that she will give me the name of her doctor that specializes in our type of endometriosis. FINALLY A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!!

I was SO excited when I got home, and rambled jerkmo's ear off about all of my good news. He actually seemed happy for me. It's about time.

Not that she'll ever read this but, J thank you for sharing all you did with me last night. You made me feel so much more hopeful. I think we both walked away feeling a little bit lighter in the shoulder area. You and your hubby are in my prayers, and God WILL give you two the children you yearn for.....in one way or another.

Hugs and kisses

Moderated SPF

I am totally heart another blog named Random and Odd. It's funny how you never meet someone, but read about their life and just want to be their friend. They seem so fun and understanding you just want to be a part of their crowd too. Anyways, she always has this fun game on Fridays where she gives you three things to take pictures of, with a theme, and you post them on your site. WELL, I don't own a digital camera or a scanner so being that I feel left out, I'm going to do my modified version of SPF so here it is......

SOMETHING I'VE OUTGROWN...
(Here would be a picture of some skanky club outfit I used to hoe it up in)
My girlfriends and I used to LIVE for going to the clubs. Like weekly. Turning 21 was a MILESTONE not just b/c I could drink, but b/c it opened the door to a whole bunch more clubs to tramp around in. We knew everyone and everyone knew us. It was the BEST! Now a days it just isn't my thing anymore. I haven't been to a club in over 2 years, and I'm ok with that, I've outgrown that whole era.

SOMETHING I HAVE OVERCOME...
(Here would be a picture of my divorce papers)
I think this was the hardest thing I have ever gone thru. I felt like someone DIED. I was in mourning for some time. I'll always remember the disgust I felt leaving the courthouse b/c it took longer to get married than it did to dissolve it. I know there will always be some degree of pain, but I have overcome the worst of it.

I NEED HELP WITH...
(Here would be a picture of my feet on the ground)
I need help keeping myself grounded. I need help standing on my own two feet. I need help sticking around and not running away from what bothers me. I'll get there.


For all you authentic SPF players, please don't think I'm a geek but instead count me as creative. As soon as my broke ass can get a digital camera I'll play for real.

Ramble on.....

Got a great idea from another blog I like to read. JuJuBee had a posting on her site where you "List ten things you want to say to people you know but you never will, for whatever reason. Don't say who they are, and you can only use each person once" Sounds kinda refreshing so here I go....

1) I have no desire to EVER get back together with you. You had your chance, and let me down, so now it's YOUR fault your suffering. I'm glad you're gone.

2) I'm not ready to leave him.

3) I'm so sorry that you're stuck in the middle of everything. I'll always love you like you were my own, but it just didn't work out and it's best this way. It's not your fault AT ALL!!

4) Thanks for helping to ruin my marriage. I hope you're happy, and I hope I'm around when karma comes back to bite you in your nasty a**.

5) You're just as much to blame as he is. You need to let it go.

6) I know I may have hurt you, but it's been 8 years! You encouraged us to hang out; what did you expect?!

7) I know you're not who you say you are. I'm not dumb. I'll never trust you.

8) You should be ashamed of yourself. Knowone buys your s**t, and someday you're gonna get it. What goes around comes around fat a**.

9) I'm sorry. I still regret my decision to this day. I never wanted to do it. I felt I had no choice.

10) I wish we could be better friends. I wish we were true friends. I wish we were closer. I wish you liked me better.

Thanks for the idea JuJu!!

I have returned

Well back to work today. Was off for a couple days...DOCTORS ORDERS.

Apparently I popped a HUGE cyct on my right ovary, and that's what all the pain has been about. She said going from the Lupron shots to a pill caused it, but she was concierned about the continued pain. So, she gave me a perscription for Vicodin and an order for another ultrasound. I have to see her again on Thursday. If the pain isn't gone by then I have to have a scope done. Fun, more time off work.

I had the ultrasound yesterday afternoon, and can I just tell you that if you have an appointment for a pelvic ultrasound and they know you have to drink like 20 gallons of water b4 hand, do you think it's too much to ask to be ON TIME?! My eyeballs were floating when I got there and then I had to wait a HALF AN HOUR before they called me in. WTF!!! I couldn't even straighten out my legs on the table 'cause I was gonna piss all over it!! (kinda crude, sorry!) Luckly she let me pee a bit before we did the ultrasound, but still, damn!!

Now, having worked in healthcare for, like 12 years, before I came to this shit hole I work in now, I kinda had a clue what to look for on the ultrasound, and can I tell you cyst city on both ovaries. SHIT!! I'm telling you I'm leaning toward tell the specialist I have to see on the 28th to yank all this crap out 'cause I'm so tired of dealing with all this shit I could go postal!

I'm going to be 30 on New Years Eve (that's right kiddies, mark all your calenders now) I have a lovely 9 yr old daughter, and if she's all God wanted me to have then I am more than OK with that. Maybe that's why she came when she did, but the bottom line is I need to be able to take care of the child I have more so than worring about being able to have more. If I want more I'll adopt. Period!

So that's the latest chapter in the soap opera I call life. I'm starting to just laugh at all the new shit that comes my way. I've come to the conclusion that being depressed about all I've got going on isn't going to fix it; it just seems to make it worse and makes the next stuff harder to deal with.

Hugs and kisses

Rain drops keep falling on my head

Well it's still raining here in the windy city, and all I feel like doing is curling up in bed and watching tv. It got pretty cold outside too; I don't think the temperature even reached 70 today. Halloween here we come.

I am such a holiday decorating WHORE!! Every holiday I PLASTER my townhouse with tons of crap....tasteful crap, but still tons of crap. I love it. It makes me happy. Halloween is second to Christmas at my house, but I still wish I had more CRAP to decorate with. You know, get all down and crazy with decorative shower curtains and stuff, but I'm not there yet. Maybe someday.

Broke down and finally called the doctor about the pain in my abdomine. Actually I have to leave in about 5 minutes to go. Damn womanly problems. They should just yank everything out, and if I want anymore kids I'll just adopt. That is after I get my love life together. As always....someday.

Oh well sorry to short post and run, but I have to get to the vagina doctor. OMG that sounded so just wrong. Sorry guys.

Hugs and kisses

Just another day

Nothing special today. Rain, rain, and more damn rain outside. Just one of those days when you feel blah. Maybe for no particular reason but just feeling blah. I think it depresses me that he called into work today, and now I have to see him when I go home. I'm soooo much more relaxed when he's not around. You'd think that would tell me something, right?

I read over my previous posts and what a winer I am. Maybe not. I feel like an idiot because I have the power to change my situation and yet I can't find the strength to. Guess that's why I feel like a dork, guess it could be a lot worse, but it could also be a lot better, and yet I sit here doing nothing about it. Why do we torture ourselves in relationships that just aren't worth it; like we have some divine mission to endure b/s and try to change the unchangeable.

I heard a phrase once that has stuck with me "Those most deserving of love have the hardest time finding it" Maybe that's true. Maybe someday I'll find that someone who adores me, and loves me more than life, and I him. Maybe I'll find kind, nice, gentle love instead of this mean, jealous, b/s excuse for what I think is love. Maybe.

Ps. Moe is home and doing great. He still has a crush on my leg though. I guess old habits die hard.

hugs and kisses

Snip, Snip

Poor Moe!!

I took the little one into the vet this morning to get his little ones snipped. I think I was more upset than he was. As soon as they took him from me the tears started a-flowin'. My dumbass cried all the way to work. What a dork, right? Maybe now he'll leave my leg alone. Hang in there little buddy, mommy loves you, and I'm sorry!! :(

In other news......I'm healing up quite well since the last entry. Most of my soreness has subsided for the most part. My back is still a bit stiff, but at least my neck feels better. Only real complaint I have is this pain across my lower abdomine, but I'm not so sure if that's from the accident or my other female "issues"

That's a whole 'nother story. Being a female is nothing short of a BITCH!! I got diagnosed with endomitrosis a couple months ago; the kind that grows inside the uterous and into the walls of the muscle there. What crap, right? So, lazering it'them off will not work. So I went thru 2 months of Lupron injections; didn't work. So now on the 28th I have to go see a specialist.....FUN. I tell you if it's not one thing it's another and damnit all I'm just ready to lead a normal (as close as I can get) life and just be OK.

Well that's it for now, I guess. Please send kisses to my little boy as he loses his **ahem** manhood today.

What a great vacation.......NOT!!

OMG!! Somewhere, sometime, someone has to stop this pitty party I'm stuck at because it has to get better soon. So, I've been on a little mini-vacation since Tuesday of last week. It was suppose to be nice and kinda relaxing...WRONG!

His parents drove across three states to hang with us for a couple days. Ok, so far so good. He always gets kinda tense and turns into roboprick whenever his dad is around, (bad childhood) so nothing new to deal with there really. We cooked, we ate, we (well I) entertained.

So on Saturday we invited our neighbors over and we all went for a ride. (motorcycle)
The day was perfect, all was well, and then we were on this one country road and him and I wrecked! One minute we were looking at cows the next minute we were looking at grass....that we were laying in....and the bike was WAY over there....in the ditch....that we were laying in. OMG!!! I have never been so freaked out in my life! Never been in one single car accident (knock on wood) and to have my first accident be on the back of a Harley...no good kiddies. I flew off that thing like a rag doll.

Thank God we're both OK. Lots of soreness, he's really bruised bad, but we're here and alive. Now I'll skip the parts where he balmed me (like as soon as he got up out of the ditch and I'm still laying there. At least he asked if I was ok first) and how we were going right home so he could pack all his stuff and leave me....and his parents...because he'd had enough of all of us. Well then came the tears..on his end..and my mouth went flying off the handle. "How many times do we ride and talk about all the cool stuff we see. I didn't put the gravel there Mr. *&$%#@, so if you are even considering blaming ME then you and I are going to have a BIG problem." (that's the kid friendly short version)

So needless to say our ride ended and we spent the next couple days at home doing squat. His parents were just glad we were OK, and spending time with us doing whatever was just fine with them. Good thing b/c we are both so sore and everything just HURTS that that's the best way to describe it. I think riding season is over for me this year. Just too shaken up to get back on.

He had made a comment to me yesterday that maybe someone was trying to open his eyes to something, and I said "Yeah, maybe someone wanted to see if you'd give a shit if I was hurt after all the crap you said to me last week." He didn't say anything to that, and I'm not sure what to make of it. He's been real sweet, of course, but who knows. His parents made some comments to me about him, and how they've seen how he treats me and it's not all his fault he was raised that way, blah blah blah. Where does growing up and changing the things bad from your past so they don't effect your future come into play?

Oh well at least I'm here, God caught me and put me in the nice (semi) soft grassy ditch with only minor cuts and some real soreness to follow. I'll take that any day!